Hate This And I'll Love You
by The-Muse-In-Me
Summary: My first Tamora Pierce FanFic. Rated M for content. Memories can cause so much pain. Some people go through hell to keep their secrets safe, but there's always someone who'll care for you.
1. Coma

**Hate This And I'll Love You: _Coma._**

**The-Muse-In-Me**

**Disclaimer:** Much to my disappointment, I don't own Alanna and Jon. Although...

* * *

The girl thrashed around uncontrollably. Cold sweat drenched her face, making her hair stick to her tanned skin involuntarily. Alanna whimpered, unaware of the noise she was creating.

Next door Jon sat up and looked around the room, franticly trying to detect the muffled cries for help. He stopped, eyes widening. Alanna! Without hesitation the prince leapt out of bed and darted through the connecting door into Alanna's room.

Blindly, Alanna fought her nightmares. '_Come on, come to me. What's wrong? All tied up?' The nameless figure watched as a nine year old Alanna struggled against her bonds. _

Alanna continued to struggle, all the while calling for help, as Jonathan watched in despair. Jon tentatively approached the girl's bed, unsure of what to do. He knelt down beside her. Alanna quietened. Jon reached out to stroke her hair but stopped short as her breathing sped up and more sweat began to gather on her brow.

_The man advanced on Alanna. He was about 6 feet in height and wore the tattered clothes of a commoner. Alanna could here the man's ragged breathing slowly becoming closer and closer. She turned her head towards the source of the noise, regardless of the fact that she had been blind folded the moment she'd been dragged into this nightmare. _

_The man sat down on the bed and leaned in towards Alanna's face. 'What __do you think I'm going to do now, princess?' His putrid breath caused waves of sickness to ripple through the child's body. She began to shake with fear. 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no'. Alanna repeated this under her breath. She knew exactly what was coming next. _

The raven haired man looked on helplessly. What's she saying? Jon leant in closer. Alanna whispers reached Jon's ears. _That's it; I need to wake her up right now._ He stood up and leaned down so his face was inches from hers. Apparently this wasn't the right thing to do. Alanna began to shake uncontrollably, her head tossing from side to side. Her breaths became ragged and uncoordinated. Jon grabbed hold of her arms to stop her breaking through the mattress. This wasn't good.

_The man began taking off the bindings he had on her ankles. Alanna instinctively kicked her legs out. Despite having been trying to wriggle out of the bindings ever since she's been put in them, now she was ever keen to make sure they stayed on. _

_Immediately sensing what she was trying to do the man smirked. In one fluid motion he sat on her knees to stop her legs moving. He leant towards Alanna and pinned down her arms. 'Not so fast princess... All in good time, don't you worry.' Leaning back he leered at her. Alanna glanced up at him, cowed in fear. He relaxed his grip on her arms and went back to undoing her bonds. _

_They were off. There was nothing more Alanna could do. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists tight. He raised himself up a little __off her knees __to slide her breeches down her pale thighs. Alanna shivered at his icy touch. A lone tear slid down her cheek, making a track in the dirt which graced her face. She'd been missing since dawn. Surely someone would have noticed by now, surely someone was looking for her._

_After her breeches were tossed unceremoniously to the grubby floor the man began to slide off the girl's loin cloth. Someone, please, anyone. _Please save me. Take me away from this. I can't live through this. I can't. Please. Plea-

_Alanna's thoughts cut off as she let out a broken gasp. More tears slid down her face as she bit her lip to stop from crying out in agony. The man entered her forcefully, not caring about how much this hurt Alanna. He pulled out and thrust back in with an equal amount of force to the last, causing a pained sound to leave Alanna's lips. He continued, fast and hard. The girl began to cry softly as the realization hit her. This was real. It was happening. And it wasn't going to stop._

'Alanna! Alanna! Wake up! Please Alanna, you're scaring me!' Jon scanned her face for any sign of consciousness. Alanna's eyes were clenched shut and her hands curled into fists, as if in defiance. Jonathan felt his heart crack as a tear made its way down Alanna's weathered face.

As Jonathan reached down to brush a flaming lock from her eyes he retracted his hand quickly. Alanna's eyes were wide open. But she wasn't awake. She was staring straight ahead, her eyes were glossed over, as if looking at nothing. Or something that wasn't there.

_The tears that soaked the child'__s face refused to stop falling. The man was pounding into her faster and harder with each thrust.__ Alanna prayed to ever__y__ God for this to stop, __anything to end the pain... __The man's moans began to get louder and Alanna could no longer block out the sound. She knew he was getting close. The girl's blood shot eyes clenched shut.__ All she wanted __right now __was death to come and take her away._

Jonathan's eyes began to well up. He had no idea what was happening in Alanna's mind but he wanted to stop it. He moved Alanna into a sitting position and held her close. 'Please Alanna. If you can here me, wake up. Please. I can't bare seeing you like this, wake up. Please!' Jon continued to beg for what seemed like hours. He'd do anything for Alanna. She'd never been like this before; he'd only ever seen her cry once and that was nothing compared to this. Whatever was wrong, he wanted to stop it.

_'Ohhhhhh!'__ He was done. Alanna felt him pull himself out of her. 'Princess? Open your eyes princess.' The man's mocking tone made the girl retch. Alanna never opened her eyes. She didn't have the strength.__ The man left. Alanna led, half-naked, broken and alone. Her hope was gone. No one was coming for her. Nothing mattered anymore. Slowly the edges of her vision darkened. She blacked out, not caring if she woke up again._

Alanna's body stiffened in Jon's arms. 'Alanna? Alanna?? Please! Wake up! Please, I'm begging you!' Jon felt Alanna sigh, as if in regret. Her eyes opened wide again and Jon caught the briefest flash of amethyst as her eyes rolled to the back of her head. She began fitting relentlessly while purple fire seemed to shine through her finger tips.

Her lips moved to form words which the Prince could neither hear nor understand. '_What's happening?? What's she doing?' _Jonathan panicked and began shouting for help. 'SOMEONE, ANYONE!' When after five seconds no one came he began getting more frantic. Alanna's chanting was becoming stronger, hastier. In an attempt to calm Alanna down he placed his hands on either side of her face.

No one would have been prepared for what happened next.

* * *

Hehe, have a cliff hanger I hope it's interesting... Getting reviews would make my Christmas the most Christmassy Christmas in the whole world!! So you know, please review! Oh, and the scary man's identity shall be revealed. But you know xP

- Muse


	2. Host

**Hate This ****And**** I'll Love You: _Host_**

**The-Muse-In-Me**

**Disclaimer:** I really wish I owned Alanna and Jonathan but you know... Some things can never be true... –sigh-

* * *

I apologize. I realize that it has been over two months since I started this story and it's taken me that long to get the second chapter up. xPP I'm sorry!! The first three reviews I got were telling me how mean I was for leaving it at a cliffy... Sorry! I also tried to break this chapter up more than the last one but you xPP

* * *

Many thanks to:**DAMNED-LIKE-BEAUTY **– My first reviewer

**Head-in-the-Clouds, ****Edwardjustproposed**and **buggie21 **– Who made me lock myself in my room for hours to get the chapter finished xP

* * *

_In an attempt to calm Alanna down he placed one hand on each side of her face. _

_No one would have been prepared for what happened next._

Blinding lights dazzled Jon. He clenched his eyes shut to block it out but that only made it feel as if it was getting brighter. Something in the back of his mind made him realize that the light wasn't coming from Alanna, or from anywhere else for that matter. The light was coming from _him._

Everything was falling away, wiping itself from existence. A powerful surge blasted up the prince's arms and his imagination began drawing vague lines of royal purple and deep blue dancing around each other with an unnatural grace, like silk caught in a wandering breeze. Something about the sight sent a ghostly chill down Jon's majestic form, as if he knew it wasn't right. The threads were beginning to blend, lines no longer visible as a looming shadow blurred the shapes and dulled the sharpness of the night time shades.

Jon opened his eyes but the image didn't go away. There was a faint picture forming. He gasped with awe and pain. Something was attacking his heart, ripping it to pieces from the inside. He could see peoples faces, a man sat at a desk with two red haired children before him. He watched as the children turned away to walk out of the room with a dejected sigh.

Jon followed them and saw in the dull light of the passage in which they were stood that there were two Alanna's.

_Wait, that's not right__ Ah! Thom!_

He looked again and couldn't see the slightest bit of difference between the two, even when he stepped a bit closer nothing really became clearer. If anything it was going blurred.

His Dream-form, as he decided to call it, looked around and saw the colours washing off the walls and another memory painting itself upon the blank canvas.

Jon stood blinking, drinking in the profuse sight. _To among the memories of another.__ What am I doing here? This isn't right, I can't stay here._

'_Don't be scared.' _Jon's Dream-form looked around quickly.

'Who are you?'

'_You need to be here. You need to see this.'_

The voice was sounding from everywhere. A voice so perfect that it could shatter the souls of a thousand leagacies just to bring them back together again. A shudder rolled down Jon's spine. 'Who are you? Answer me!'

His commanding tone wavered as the scene before him reached completion.

_'Do not question further. You must stay and you will leave when you are invited to.'_

'Why are you holding me here! I just want to help Alanna, I need to know she's okay!'

A chuckle sounded somewhere in the back of him mind. _'What makes you think I brought you here?'_

Jonathan pondered these words for a moment before deciding it was better not to ask for an explanation. The all-knowing tone in the ghostly voice made him sense that he wasn't going to receive an adequate answer anyway.

He surveyed the scene in front of him. He was in something which resembled a disused barn. A scarce light was issued to his surroundings by means of a small window barely large enough for a cat to crawl through.

His attention suddenly snapped towards a shabby looking door which was just managing to hang onto its hinges. A grubby man barged through the door dragging something behind him with little effort. Stepping closer the prince gasped involuntarily. He could hear nothing of the scene but the sight would forever remain in his memory.

A small bloodied Alanna was lying on the floor. Her form was limp, as if she'd given up but the way her eyes were clenched shut stated that she was conscious. Her lips were also moving.

They were dry and chapped but she didn't seem to notice the blood trickling down her chin while she was mindlessly reciting the words to some obviously well known verse.

Jon rushed forward and fell to his knees by Alanna's side. He called her name to no avail, privately knowing that she wouldn't be able to hear him. He moved to put his hand on her face but let out a wail of despair as the filthy man hauled her from the ground and onto a stained and dishevelled bed. Jon watched in utter shock as her saw Alanna's body give no sign of retaliation.

The man was tying her to the bed. The rope, Jon saw, was coarse, the sort used for securing large kegs of ale; something more commonly associated with strength than comfort. Alanna was becoming slightly more aware of what was happening. She lifted her head to look dazedly at her wrists and tried to pull her hand away.

It was with nothing more than a slight disbelief that the young girl realized she was unable to move. _What's happened to you, my love?_

As he was using a rag to cover up her eyes a raw anger boiled up inside of Jon, the likes of which he had never known. He made to punch the man but missed. He pulled back puzzled. He went to punch the man again and with a slight jolt he saw his fist sinking through the man's skull.

Retracting his arm slowly he stared at the man. He had the face of a man in his early twenties Jon would have said. To his surprise, he was also clean shaven. He was obviously a man who knew how to look after himself, despite his lack of decent attire.

He looked back down at Alanna and felt his heart break for not the first time that night. What had this beast done to her? She was wearing shirt and breeches with far too many holes showing of the bruises both faded and new. There was also horrendously deep laceration running from somewhere near her right shoulder down to just below her belly button. Blood was still seeping from the wound and crimson flowers had blossomed heavily across her chest.

She had also acquired scratches to many parts of her body which had peppered the skin with small flecks of dried blood.

He turned back to the man who had sat in a chair opposite the bed. He was saying something which was having an effect on Alanna. She began struggling against the bonds as if wishful of ripping the posters clean off the bed.

The scene before Jon was unfolding and as he slowly put together the pieces: Alanna tied to a _bed, _the man whispering something made Alanna immediately aware of everything, the small yet obvious tent forming in the man's loose cotton breeches...

The man left his seat in a movement almost too quick to follow and was crouched at Alanna's feet, running his hands down her sides and hooking his fingers underneath the waste band of her breeches...

Jon turned away as hot tears streamed down his face. He couldn't watch this. Alanna had to be nothing more than ten years old in this memory.

_Oh my God, it's a memory. This is Alanna's past. _Jon fell to his knees in despair. He turned back to scene in front of him and almost retched. The man pounded into Alanna relentlessly, forcefully smashing her head into the stone wall which served as a head board.

'Stop it! Stop it now! Leave her alone! Get off her!' Jon was screaming at the top of his lungs with salty tears making it almost impossible for him to discern any certain shapes. 'Please!.. Please don't do this to her... You can't do this to her...'

He could see Alanna's face. He could see the tears rolling down the side of her face. They were the same tears. The tears he had watched her shed when he was trying to comfort her were the same tears. And they were the tears he was crying, the tears that hitched his breath and hurt his throat and wouldn't stop falling.

The man was gone. He hadn't noticed the man leave. Jonathan crawled up to the bedside. He tried putting his hand on her face to dry the tears but his hand faded through as it had before. But now he could feel something on his cheek. He could feel his hand on his own cheek.

_Because we're both together. __Always.__ I'm never going to let you go Alanna._

Everything was fading and Alanna's eyes were slowly closing.

_Because I know I couldn't possibly_

The last of Jon's essence dissolved slowly as darkness truly engulfed them.

_I love you._

* * *

Hehe, it's the 1st of March x Lol. If you have any questions about this chapter or my first chapter then _please _ask. I need to be told when I've messed up or else I'll never get it sorted xPP

I just looked through the first chapter and saw stupid spelling mistakes.. And people say I type too fast -cough-

Thank you for reading! Just press the button and leave a review! Constructive criticism is very welcome

- Muse


	3. Revelations and Resolutions

**Hate This And I'll Love You: **_**Revelations and Resolutions.**_

**The-Muse-In-Me**

**Disclaimer: See the first two chapters.**

_Because we're both together, always. I'll never let you go Alanna._

Everything was fading and Alanna's eyes were slowly closing.

_Because I know I couldn't possibly_

The last of Jon's essence dissolved slowly as darkness truly engulfed them.

_I love you._

Just so that you wonderful people reading this understand what's going on I'll be moving through some different POV's and stuffs.

Also I've mentioned this to some of my reviewers but I've not made it clear this is set during the time of In The Hand Of The Goddess. Specifically the part when Alanna and Jon are in the garden and then Alanna runs away, etc.

Basically, this is a 'what-if' fic. So, 'what would have happened if Alanna hadn't decided to open the door between her and Jon's rooms and tell him that she was scared.'

Thank you very much for reading this long rant of mine, I won't always write so much at the beginning of each chapter

Muse

Alanna stirred from an oddly calming sleep and muttered into the hand she brought up to rub her face, 'Faithful, get off me...'

A predawn glow dazzled amethyst eyes; that was way too big to be Faithful. Her eyes focused on a muscular arm draped protectively around her bare waist. _Where'd my blanket go?_

Alanna's eyes widened when her mind brought attention to the more pressing matter at hand. _THAT'S NOT MY ARM!_

Memories of the previous night flooded back with the force of crashing oceans. _The gardens, the man... Jon._

She peered down at her chest; the breast band she'd fallen asleep in was still in place. Moving her eyes lower she looked closer at the hand splayed uncertainly on the mattress. Bands of pressured skin wrapped around the third and fourth fingers as if rings were still being worn. She moved her eyes upwards, admiring hard muscle and tanned skin.

Alanna turned her head and was met by a mass of black fur. This poor man, Faithful had slept on his head! She giggled and went to stroke her guardian but retracted her hand when she heard a sleepy groan. _Oh, Goddess..._

'JON!' Alanna winced as her throat rasped in protest. _Did I scream at Jon yesterday...?_

'Uh-hhmm?'

Alanna's blood boiled. 'What. Are you doing. In my bed?'

The king-to-be lifted his shaggy head off the pillow. Jonathan gasped in surprise and tears pooled around his indigo eyes. 'Alanna, thank the Gods, you're awake!'

He reached forward to brush a strand of hair out of Alanna's face and smiled blissfully. 'Please don't ever scare me like that again.'

'Don't touch me!' Alanna backed away confused by the Prince's actions, 'GET OUT! How dare you come into my room as I SLEEP and... Do whatever you did! What the fuck are you talking about?'

Bewildered shock descended over Jon's features as he brought his hand sharply away from Alanna's cheek. Sitting back abruptly he blushed a shade of red upon realizing the extent of Alanna's attire.

'Forgive me for... For this.'

He moved swiftly forward and placed a kiss on Alanna's lips which were still stained red from the lip rouge she had donned the previous night.

Without another word he left an ultimately confused Alanna to her own thoughts.

/\\/\\

The Prince kneeled by his mother's bedside, next to his father who was dosing slightly in a rough high backed chair.

Jon smiled sadly to himself and turned his attention to the king.

'Father, I think you need some rest,' he commented.

The king regarded his son with one sleep blurred eye. 'But suppose that your mother woke and I-'

Jon smoothly cut off is father with a commanding stare to rule his grandfather's.

'I know for a fact that mother would only blame herself if she awoke to find you half dead from exhaustion and starved to the bone on her account. Now, please father, go and rest. You need it more than I do, I will stay with mother.'

King Roald frowned and shook his head.

'I hope you talk with as much vigour and conviction when you become king of this realm,' he stood up and stretched like a great lion.

'Promise me that if anything happens...'

Jon stood up and put a hand on his father's shoulder. 'The world will not succumb to Chaos if you manage to get a few hours sleep, Father. But should mother wake up, I will come and get you immediately.'

The king sighed, knowing that he was beaten.

'Thank you, son,'

Jon smiled as he watched him leave and was silently thankful. Even the most unobservant of people had commented to Jon how his father was looking more and more ill as the days went on. His mother's illness was weighting heavily on Jon's mind but not as much as it was on his father's heart.

Despite the fact that Roald and Lianne had been subject to an arranged marriage they had grown to love each other dearly and Jonathan didn't even have to be told that his father needed the Queen as much as he needed the air which he breathes.

Jon sat down heavily in the now unoccupied chair and became immersed in his own thoughts. His mind still lingered on what had happened between himself and Alanna.

They hadn't spoken properly for over two weeks now and Jonathan knew that sooner or later he had to confront Alanna about what he had seen that night.

'You look troubled, Jonathan,'

The Prince sat bolt upright and looked at his mother's concerned face.

'How long have you been awake?' the Prince ventured.

'I heard you telling Roald to get some rest. I have to say I couldn't agree more.'

She turned her head and coughed frailly into her hand.

'Anyway, you haven't answered my question.' The queen's all-knowing voice was slightly torn in places but she was still commanding.

Jonathan hung his head as he prepared to lie to the question that he'd been lying about for two weeks. 'It's nothing, Mother, there's nothing wrong,' he sighed openly, wishing that his troubles were simple enough to be able to share with his bedridden mother.

'Jonathan, look at me,' a cool hand tugged on Jonathan's chin.

Looking up he saw that his mother wore a look of concern on her features.

'Please, Jonathan, you've been worrying me for these past few weeks,' she smiled sadly 'I'm barely awake enough to see you at all, but I can't stand to watch you bottle something up for so long.'

Jon weighed up the odds as he examined his mother's face. He could either: try and explain what was wrong, maybe use some other woman's name or... _I want to tell someone this... I'm just driving myself mad thinking about it and for all I know Alanna may be feeling that same way. Mother might be able to give me some advice, I suppose..._

Accepting his new resolution, Jon took a deep breath to steady his ever growing nerves.

'It's... Complicated,' he looked to his mother for some sort of guidance.

'Well, Jonathan, it's not like a have anywhere else to be, is it now? Take all the time you want,' she smiled at her son reassuringly.

Taking another deep breath, the Prince tried again.

'It's a friend of mine. A woman. She's called Alanna,' Jon bit his lip and hoped that it was the right move using Alanna's real name.

'Alanna? Wouldn't I remember a lady at court with such a beautiful name?'

Jon smiled to himself, knowingly. _I don't think anyone would be able to forget Alanna if they saw just how beautiful she looked in a gown._

'What does she look like? Jonathan?' Lianne raised her voice slightly in an effort to shake Jon out of his own imaginary world.

'What? Oh, erm... She's not very tall and...' Throwing caution to the winds Jonathan brought back the memory of Alanna sitting in the garden next to him on the bench.

'She has glossy, red hair and the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen,' blushing in spite of himself Jon trailed off uncertainly and took an extraordinary interest in the jewels on his fingers.

The queen frowned thoughtfully. 'Are you sure I haven't seen her before, Jonathan? I feel that I almost certainly have seen a lady of your description,' Lianne coughed once again, but this time more severely.

The Prince's forehead creased with worry, 'Mother, please, you must rest! Don't tire your self on my account,'

'Don't worry about me! I'll have you know that I'm not made out of glass! Now, tell me, what colour eyes does this lady have?'

Jon waved a hand nonchalantly, 'Purple.'

Jonathan's eyes widened in disbelief at what he'd just said. _Fuck. _

'She hasn't got purple eyes! She's got, erm...! Green! Green eyes! Yeah, that's it...' Jon silently cursed himself and whilst 'subtly' whacking his head on the comfortingly solid high backed chair.

The Queen observed her son with shrewd eyes. A/N: The nice, motherly kind of shrewd...

Picking her words very carefully Lianne began to speak, 'I think there's something you should be telling me, Jonathan. Either this lady of yours is some close relation of Squire Alan's or this lady of yours is illegally undertaking the training of a knight. Now, which one will it be?'

Jon looked up at his mother. While the illness had taken a toll on her features he could clearly see the humour in her sparkling eyes. _Thank the Gods I sent Father to bed..._

Blushing at his stupidity and just hoping that nothing came to pass from his monumental slip, he took a deep, steady breath.

'Squire Alanna,' he looked away from his mother, 'something happened to her, a long time ago, something terrible. I don't think anyone else knows,'

The Queen rested a comforting hand on her son's arm. 'You don't have to tell me if you don't think you should, Jonathan,' she looked up to see tears make tracks down his face.

Shaking his head the Prince looked away, unable to contain the grief he felt for his squire.

'Someone raped her. Some _beast _raped her when she was a child,' Jon's voice choked and his hands shook with the rage that had been coursing through his veins for the past two weeks. 'How could someone be sick enough, Mother? Why? Why abuse an innocent girl with no intention of doing wrong to _anyone._'

Halting abruptly Jonathan turned his solid gaze to his mother. The anger in Jon's words had spread to his blue eyes, making them burn even brighter with the matching colour of his gift.

The queen sighed regretfully.

'You need to tell her that you love her, Jonathan. And you need to tell her what you know,' the Queen reasoned. 'This is something that you can't just hope to blow over, it doesn't work like that,'

Jonathan sat respectfully silent, waiting for his mother to go on. Lianne smiled in spite of the serious situation.

'Do it soon,' she whispered.

Nodding, Jon stood. He knew that his mother was right and the thought of a confrontation was lifting the large weight off his shoulders already.

'Thank you, Mother,' he lent down to kiss her forehead, 'Please try to get some more rest,'

The Queen smiled weakly, and gestured for him to leave.

Closing the door softly behind him Jonathan took a moment to think of where his squire might be.

_Practice courts, I'll try there, _the Prince strode off looking for his squire with more purpose in his step than there had been in two weeks.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

This chapter just took me too long to write... I'm not sure when I started it but you know, at least it' finished now...

I hope you enjoy! I know this chapter might seem a little pointless but the next chapter shall be more interesting, I promise! It's the least I can do after making you wait 6 months for an update...

Please read and review, etc. I love you all!

- Muse


End file.
